SWITCHING OFF MY BRAIN IS NOT AN OPTION

"Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood."

~  Helen Keller  ~

This week was the second tweak and another chance to see what improvements can be had. My new audiogram with the processor in place was revealed to be "near normal for conversation" at a hearing level not seen in me for about thirty years. There will probably not be any more improvement on that but it is still good to see. The changes will likely be in my improved perception and understanding. Likewise my word recognition test shows an 86% success rate with assisted lip reading in controlled quiet conditions. That's an improvement of 50% in two weeks. It sounds good and I am very pleased but the real world outside the quiet room is a very different place. To help, I now have two channels to use. One is to eliminate as much background noise as possible for close speakers in noisy places and the other has been boosted for some more volume in quieter places.

 

It is a bonus to be in Norfolk and in a very wordy, variable and conversational place. I am getting much more practise than I normally would. I do try to be patient, I really do! The problem is in me and too much variety to be able to concentrate on one aspect at a time. It is seeing the good results that keep me steady and on course, with just a few stumbles in the dark sometimes. Speaking of which .....

 

I was returning to the campsite late in the evening. I did not take the field path in the dark in case I slipped in the mud (or worse!) and dislodged my processor. Searching for it in the gloom would have been on hands and knees. If it had landed in the horse ... manure, and then I trod on it by mistake the audiologist would probably be upset and possibly refuse to handle it on my next visit! So I walked along the road instead.

 

It was a very quiet moonlit night with a clear sky and I only had my own footsteps for company. I heard the distinct sound of a car but could see nothing in front of me. I genuinely thought the sound came from behind me. Was it because I could see nothing and my brain was making the decision for me on the evidence it had? I stood still in the road in complete silence and waited. Around the corner behind me I now saw the lights of a car approaching but if it had been daytime it would not have been visible. Was it luck or hearing ability? It safely passed me by. After passing some houses and hearing the sound of a tv program (not in detail) in someone's living room I heard another car from behind. I moved out of the road and a little later it appeared. Did I really hear the direction or did my brain just deduce the location by some subconscious calculation? I should not have been able to do it with only one ear. It was helped by the beautiful quietness of the night. Daytime has not been so successful. There are too many distracting noises going on. Still it is good to see that given the right conditions my hearing can be near to normal, what ever that is! What made the walk so pleasant was the fact that I had accepted the silence as just that. No sound heard meant no sound was happening. I had no need to strain to hear because I might be missing something. Just acceptance of what I had. Allowing the sounds to come and go as they were rather than go looking for them. A very relaxed and restful state of mind for a change.

Just when I thought peace was now my good companion I found myself with more trouble than a passing motorcar!

 

During lunch I switched over to channel two and enjoyed a conversation with my companions at the table without the general chatter all around me. After the meal I forgot I was still on that setting. Walking back through the woods, now in the sunshine, I came to a group of tree surgeons cutting down trees and trimming some high branches. I noticed they were using a chipping machine on the cut branches collected on the ground by the path. They were wearing ear protection and I realised the reason I could not hear the machine clearly was the background noise suppression I had. So here were two colliding entities coming together with no ability to hear each other properly or full awareness of all around them. As I walked by, leaves came falling down onto my head and when I looked up there was a man high in the tree using a chainsaw (with ear protection) to cut through the branches overhead and some had already fallen onto the path in front of me. If they had shouted, "Oi, it's not safe there!" or "LOOK OUT!" I would have carried on in my own quiet little world until I was flattened by an unseen and unheard branch about six inches thick. Then they would have got my attention. As this was on private land they probably thought no signs were needed to warn of "men at work overhead". They knew where each other were and what they were doing in order to work safely together in a hazardous occupation but they did not hear me coming unexpectedly into their territory.

 

That is my world all the time. Those little signs and signals that are all a part of aiding my brain to notice unrecognisable things and support the learning process.

I may ignore a few people sometimes but not a falling leaf in the summer time. My hearing still needs all the help it can get!

'A NAME BY ANY OTHER SOUND .....'

My name, my call sign that I always react to, that I encourage people to use to get my attention before speaking to me, is no longer familiar. It is a fundamental part of being deaf. A trigger to get things started and focused, such as, at the beginning of sentences, to avoid asking for annoying repeats or restarts.

I am not responding to people in the same old familiar way. My own voice is heard from outside of me and sounds the same as everyone else. I look up because they might be speaking to me but they are not even close by. They are outside somewhere and I cannot tell the difference. My name has become a sound, a different sound that means nothing to me. I will have to re-register it!

I think the problem is with the word. I used to hear a lightly accented 'R' followed by the short 'ay'. Now I am hearing a resonance, a positive 'Rrr' and longer but different vowel pitch nearer to a nasal 'aaaay'.

This peculiarity is confusing because I think someone is wanting to speak to me but it is only a similar and random sound. Although the sound of voices can be sharp and precise in the right environment, using a higher frequency than I am used to receiving also brings in many other sounds using this wavelength as well. The lack of tone variation at times, when listening without visual help, gives few clues away for identification. When I am caught cold (not concentrating) the sound reverts to the basic robotic theme (like Hal 9000 in 2001: A Space Odyssey) but miles more refined than Stephen Hawking. There is no emotion transmitted in these words and so they are rather flat but still very speech orientated. Words are pulled out of the fog of so many background sounds going on at once as long as it does not also consist of spoken words. 

The volume is a little low but because the words are so distinct it makes for easy listening compared with the usual high concentration levels I needed to focus at all times with hearing aids. The unusual low level of sound makes me uncomfortable at times because I am straining to hear as usual with this quietness and then a sound happens and I hear it instantly. It is not because I cannot hear the sound it is because the sound isn't there. 

I need to relax more and trust my new hearing to deliver it when it happens and not go looking for it as I did before. 

I must remember that I am learning to listen again and not be impatient.

If I see water running from a tap I recognise it. If I look away it becomes just a new sound. I have to re-associate this new sound with with the familiar image again and I will 'see' water running when I hear that sound out of sight. I know now how much I relied on visual clues to supplement my hearing. I can use this to change the sound I hear now to what it used to be as I remembered it properly from years ago. My brain will do the work seamlessly, like speaking a new language, once I have enough variation in the sound clues to work with.

I am beginning to understand how blind and deaf people can, and do, learn other languages. It is a strange thing to find an understanding in me when that difficult time has passed but I can see now how, with all the obstacles that deafness presents, a deaf person has every bit (if not more) of the capacity to excel in a competitive hearing world. They just need some understanding and consideration from those who take their hearing for granted and insist on this world being a hearing place.

A friend, with the most amazing Viking hair style that I have ever seen on a girl (that puts my crude one sided surgical shave to shame), asked me which side my implant was on. I didn't initially recognise my name was called but registered the sound and looked up. She repeated the question and I replied "it is on the left". She relayed this to the person by her side that she had been speaking to (unbeknown to me) and it suddenly dawned on me what I had just done! She was thirty feet away from me not standing close as I had first thought she was.

So many changes, so many things the same and never any as expected.

When I feel comfortable and at ease with friends I relax and get caught out just listening when I should be taking part and today I fell flat on my face with a simple question I could not grasp and understand at all. When it was repeated (for the fourth time) with different words I was so embarrassed by its simplicity and need for just a one word answer. 

Much more work to do I think!

WHAT A DIFFERENCE A TWEAK MAKES

If thou art a master, be sometimes blind; if a servant, sometimes deaf.

~  Thomas Fuller  ~

It’s only been a few days but enormous changes are happening to me. I feel so much a part of what is going on around me. Frequently, I get confused as my ability to hear changes with the environment I am in. The difficulty is that I cannot, as yet, sense those changes, only feel the end result. Multiple voices blend into one unintelligible tangle but as people leave the tangles unravel until, when only one or two remain, the voice rings out. I just don’t always see or hear the people leaving when I am trying to concentrate so hard. It seems as if it just clarifies on its own.

I have no concept of variable volume, just good and bad perception. I continue with the lack of dynamics in my hearing that give me depth, subtle variations of distance, direction, individuality and therefore precision. Sounds I hear in buckets full, but what I am hearing still needs extra help. Visual and memory support makes some sense of the disembodied individual words. I won’t get run over now when crossing the road in front of me but I don’t know what it is that will be aiming at me from around the corner when I am looking the other way.

Tweak one

I have just had my first tweak and increase in sound variety, blend and volume. This is the trial and error path to finding my individual hearing map. This is something personal and would not suit someone else. There is no ‘one size fits all’ with this device. I will continue these weekly adjustments for a month as we explore the gains and disadvantages towards the best solution possible, not normality.

My word recognition test was definitely more difficult this time. The multiple syllables in the words ran into each other and some vowels dragged. The sharper sounds echoed. This took away the precision of some individual words, making them more easily confused with background distractions such as tinnitus which they sometimes copied. My hearing was not worse, it was just my brain trying to assimilate more elements from difficult combinations that were previously unknown and dismissed as unintelligible. The choice of test words is not random, this is deliberate.

Homeward

On leaving the hospital I noticed subtle differences in those ever present footsteps on the hard floors (and the doors creaked!) Outside the most obvious difference was in the variety and perception of the traffic noises. That was less welcome. 

At the railway station I could almost understand the tannoy. I knew it was there but its lack of personality gave me nothing to get hold of, nor visual clues to read. That is going to be the hard part. The difference is that now I did not dismiss it out of hand. I try to understand what is said whether it is important or not. It is all part of the learning process. What I am pleased with is that I have been encouraged to actively use the visual signs and signals I have learnt over the years to help support me, such as lip reading. It helps the weird disjointed voices in my head attach themselves to the people I am speaking to. This separates them from each other and the crowd of automatons everywhere around me. It can be like a attending a happy Darlek Convention in the countryside! My time away from home is turning out to be opportune with so much talk and very little traffic. When I do return home I will have to replace this with extra visits to the theatre and public gatherings rather than stay in with my computer which seems to make as much noise as it can to distract me. I am beginning to think I must be annoying other people by making so much noise.

Back on site

I have a new bright yellow hat to signify I am switched off and resting my brain for a while when I wear it. As it can be seen from far away it saves the problem of causing offence by ignoring people unintentionally when they approach me. They can either avoid me or know they have to be more determined.

I cannot recognise the sound of my own name, Oi comes across much clearer. Perhaps I should get a new one?

PUTTING IT ALL INTO PRACTICE

I have travelled to Norfolk for my annual summer season on an archaeological dig. The peace of the countryside is a blessing compared with the city noises but in recent years my poor ability to hear has ruined the fun and involvement. It is with new excitement and some trepidation that I join the loud, happy, spontaneous crowd of excitable people.

The unfamiliar voices all blend in to one but, as I meet those I know, the words settle into conversations not done so easily for several years. The crowd of speakers is difficult to handle but close up the processor picks out the words for me. Each time I look up people have moved and I didn’t notice but the words are still coming at the same volume and unknown direction with that same strange tone. This gives me many different people speaking with one voice at a soft comfortable level but without variations. I talk around a table to a group of four people all contributing to the conversation. Previously, if someone was not talking directly to me they would have to be passed by. The concentration needed to lip read, pick out the words or follow the thread of sentences would have been too much in a group situation. To listen to others talking amongst themselves is a renewed experience for me. The rules of lip reading need a one on one frontal approach for ideal conditions, so here was I looking for faces not aimed at me. Thinking that anything I can hear must be intended specifically for me but, of course, I was now one of a group. Old habits will need to be adjusted and relaxed.

It is customary on the first morning of the week’s work, after breakfast, for the site supervisors to introduce themselves to the newcomers and first timers to the site. For the first time in years I heard (in the hush of the communal marquee) the names and responsibilities of those speaking around me. When it was my turn, I proudly stood up and announced that I was a deaf person and that I would need some consideration and help at times. I explained that I had only been hearing with my implant for three days and some things would be difficult but how delighted I was to be able to stand there and listen to them properly this time. After the crowd moved on about their day’s work I was left to have a few words with friends.

I walked out to the large excavation site. The wind was blowing around my microphone. In the past this effect destroyed any chance of hearing what is said. I stepped down into the hole and asked for an update on what had been happening from the trench supervisor (one of the quietest speaking men I know in Norfolk) and we were joined by another digger adding in information. We stand and have a three way discussion with questions, answers and explanations. All understood and processed for later. No writing things down for me to read or waiting for a quiet time later when conditions would be better but less convenient.

On the definitely good side is that, after just one day here, those people I know best (especially with a distinct accent to latch on to) are already having their familiar voices superimposed upon what I am actually hearing. This is an amazing sensation similar to when I ‘hear’ a voice in my head during silent lip reading lessons. Everyone else remains with the same identical robotic sound, especially when heard from behind unexpectedly when their identity is not known. There is no instant recognition without sight to confirm or initiate the expected sound of their voice. I notice, as the size of the crowd diminishes, the voices left behind by the few still talking become clearer until the last one is heard very well. The talking over each other removes any word recognition unless there is something distinctive about it. Otherwise I have no way of knowing (without looking) when people move or leave. The sounds remain at a constant level not reflecting the dynamics of the movement going on around me. When the tent is empty the voices remain in my head because now they are outside and out of sight. This long forgotten experience now seems so strange. Knowing something is there without actually seeing it for confirmation!

An observation.

I hear a distinct voice (I can identify the patterns of speech) and look around to see who it is standing out amongst the chatter. When I get lip reading sync with the individual words I detect, I can concentrate and home in on them in front of me. The words then become clearer with a combination of sounds helping my lip reading and lip reading helping the words. I look at the eye movement to identify the companion speaker when the lips stop but the same sounding voice continues without a noticeable pause. When they, in turn, stop moving their lips I look back at the first person only to find they are eating not speaking. The words are continuing so it must be someone else’s conversation taking over my attention because I have no sense of change or direction in a crowd. This is all happening about twenty feet away from me. The second conversation is finally detected by looking around at ten feet to my right. So there is no distance detected only loud or soft sounds with good and bad perception which are then confused even more by naturally individual loud and soft speakers. I look again at the second conversation because it was noticeable but those people have now got up and left and I didn’t hear them go amongst the background noises. Because we are in a grass field there are no dragging chair legs or hard heels resounding on hard floors to announce someone is getting up or moving. The words, however, are still there and continuous so now they must be coming from somewhere else.

Not all these conversations have recognisable words in them, which makes it difficult to know if the problem is my processor not picking up the sounds clearly because they are too far away or my brain not interpreting the sounds properly when it gets them. Is my battery power getting low or are the speakers just too softly spoken? These are just some of the confusions and misunderstanding so far. 

I am sure there will be many more to come.

TEA ON THE THAMES AND HOME AGAIN

In celebration of the occasion my wife and I arranged a River Cruise with an afternoon tea on board. Being the day of the underground strike the traffic was terrible in London (perhaps it always is!). We got to the boat just in time. It was a warm day and we had seats by the open windows in the breeze. I could feel the boat engine through my feet and my brain told me what it sounded like even though, in reality, I couldn't actually hear it. What I could hear was the conversation at the next table and every bang, crash and chink of the plates, cups and knives and forks. It seemed impossible for anyone to put their cutlery down quietly. Even stirring the tea was noisy. I was pleased the traffic noise was not audible but the sharp metallic high frequency sounds that I had not perceived for so long were everywhere. Fortunately I had been set at a low and comfortable level of hearing because some of those sounds were abrupt and intense. I was not so aware of the lower frequencies which came across as long vowels, as apposed to the sharp consonants. The lack of tone variation made them sound like unpleasant whining children.

After enduring several stirred cups of tea with the sandwiches and cake we went up on deck to see Tower Bridge raised for a tall sailing barge. The engine vibration was absent there and so I felt no noise from it. We were also far away from the plates thrown into the washing up sink. I could tell people were talking but not where they were. When my wife spoke close to me her voice came through clear amongst the fog of noises.

Homeward again

The journey home on the train consisted of eavesdropping on other people's conversations but the background noise of the train interfered with the earlier precision. I needed to concentrate much harder and use some lip reading to help out. As I became relaxed by the ease and comfort of new sounds I noticed I slipped back into my normal self. Looking directly at speakers and objects to identify them. Even though I didn't always need to.

At home

I sat at home at the computer and as I was alone in the house all was still and quiet. That is, except for a constant strange noise beating regularly and persistently from some unknown thing and direction. I sent my wife a text message asking what this distracting nuisance was. She informed me it was the clock over the mantelpiece. We have had it for ten years and I never knew it ticked!

So finally the day ended. Full of amazement, discoveries,  surprises and, at times, confusion with bewilderment. Not bad for my first day.

NO, I DID NOT KISS THE AUDIOLOGIST!

"The handicap of deafness is not in the ear; it is in the mind."

~  Marlee Matlin  ~

First impressions

I was so used to seeing things up close to acknowledge their sound and identify them. I ignored all that was not obvious to me. Walking down the hospital corridor I could hear voices but not see people, I could hear footsteps but not see who they belonged to. The place was alive with nobody in it! As I walked past an open office door I could then see who was talking. I listened for the footsteps just to see who would come around the corner. The different clickety-clack of lady's heels, the squeaky trolley wheel and then the open outpatients waiting room where everyone seemed to be talking at once. I had no directional hearing and all was at the same volume level so I could not tell how far away anything was. I was amazed to find I was listening to things several feet away from me as if they were just beside me but ....

What did it sound like?

Everyone, male or female sounded the same. A flat, unemotional, electronic voice with a rhythm that I knew was speech. The other sounds where separate, individual and sharp. A high frequency I was not used to. To explain my previous hearing I would say, if you take away the vowels from written words they can still be read, but if you take out the consonants you are left with just the unintelligible oohs and arrhs. It was the return to these sharp consonants that made the words stand out. Precise beginnings and structured syllables to each word in the sentence. Hearing all the words instead of jumping to the ones I could identify made the talking seem so fast as the words flowed, making it a strain to keep up with them all.

The tone was strange and novel but clearly the processor was finding and emphasising speech patterns. Unfamiliar sounds were less successful. I could hear so much but identify so little. Only when I could see the source could I recognise the sound as my brain interpreted it for me from memory. I could already see where the learning was going to be concentrated.

Coffee break

We had coffee across the road and I sat listening. A woman in the queue on her phone, a couple at the next table discussing plans and everywhere sounds coming and going. I looked for faces to lip read and identify who was speaking but there were no clues. Their mouths stopped and started but the words kept going as if just one voice, from one place. I hope they didn't mind my starring. I could easily speak to my wife because she was next to me and I was expecting her to speak but she was just like all the rest if I looked away.

Language therapy

After returning to the hospital for the therapy session an hour later I sat in that same waiting area. The ventilation unit was no longer audible. I deliberately sat with my back to the door to see if I could hear my name called. I listened to the people approaching, talking, opening doors and asking directions. The most common and obvious sound was the heel clicking of shoes on the hard floor. I couldn't tell where it came from but I knew they were there. Behind me the door opened and closed a few times and then I heard my name. That must have been the biggest grin on my face for many years!

The session was about what sounds I could recognise rather than just hear. Switches clicking, water running, continuous sounds or short repeated sounds.  I patiently went through the hoops so easily but inside I wanted to do somersaults. I wanted to explain what I could hear and express now pleased I was. It was hard to contain myself. I just wanted to talk and listen. I now have a diary to keep and records to fill in about what I hear and when I recognise what they are.

Out into the world

We left the hospital and I was searching for sounds to recognise. Only speech was good. The rest needed visual confirmation as I could not locate the direction it was coming from or the individuals speaking. I looked puzzled, confused by what I was hearing, doubting my senses until it was pointed out to me that the person speaking was behind a high reception desk front and on the telephone. Next we were out onto the pavement and there was peace! I didn't hear the police car siren coming but I did hear my wife say it was near and so be prepared for a loud noise. It didn't happen, the background noise of the traffic was being filtered out leaving me with just the words, the car passed just like all the others.

We found a quiet park nearby and sat on the grass in the shade. My wife was talking to me from an unprecedented few feet away whilst unwrapping a noisy paper from her ice-cream, I was sending a text message but didn't need to look up at her to read her lips and stop what I was doing to concentrate on listening. When she said "can you hear that?" I looked up and she had now moved further away, there was a whistling sound coming from somewhere. I must have looked puzzled because she explained it was a bird! I haven't heard a bird sing for more than twenty years. I saw a blackbird on the path but its beak was not moving, I pointed this out and got the reply "No, it's not that one it's up in the tree behind you!" From various parts of the park people were talking, from near and far it all seemed the same. I couldn't understand what was said but I clearly knew that there were people about, sitting on benches or just strolling past. I felt I was one of them, that my little bubble had burst and now I might be able to join in with them.

There seemed to be so much going on in the world and I was looking about like a startled rabbit. There was so much to comprehend, memories to relive and thoughts already for what comes next.

I had been switched on for just two hours and it was only lunch time on the first day of my new life. 

SWITCHED ON, TUNED IN AND SPACED OUT!

"I was once a man of sound but it was cruelly taken from me.
I have searched these last long years and it is now returned to me.
May I grasp its silken threads once more and never let it go."
RB 2015 

This blog started with this day in mind. Unknown, uncharted territory for me, approached with uncertainty but great expectation. Encouraged by stories and experiences from those who have been there. Those early pioneers and more recent travellers.

 

That sounds like the description of the Yukon Gold Rush and a chance to make a fortune. First I had had too suffer the hardships and difficulties of the journey into the unknown before I could finally see the glint of gold in my hands.

On the day of my operation for the cochlear implant there was a rail strike planned. So there was no surprise to find on this day there was an Underground rail strike. Nothing was going to keep me away. Deaf travelling is not an issue with me. I have long since got that sorted with advanced bookings for tickets and last minute updates.

It was in the Hospital waiting room that the first thoughts came to me. I was in my usual place. The ventilation overhead was blasting away and drowning out all comprehension and everywhere there was noise. I turned down my only hearing aid for a bit of comfort. I was safe in the knowledge that my wife was with me and listening (like a hearing assistance dog!) to anything I needed to respond to. We had a notebook and pen to be sure of understanding what was said to me. I sat with my back to the wall and facing the door I knew the audiologist would come through. This was my usual strategy so that I can see people approaching and know they are looking at me. I can lip read my name called if I am looking for it. I was helped by having no other patients waiting in the room. My wife was alert and it was her reaction I saw first because I had momentarily looked away just at the wrong moment.

I was led into the quiet room and sat down in that familiar chair in my normal responsive way. Hearing very little, only recognising words by lip reading the person facing me or turning around to look at and read my wife. These were all routine and innocent. I was shown my Nucleus 6 device and was connected to it. All this had been explained and handled and inspected long ago in the preparation before surgery. The magnet was changed for a stronger one to get a better more secure fit. There was nothing to feel, it was like a normal hearing aid but had no ear mould to hold it in place. The inductive coil found its place almost by instinct and had obviously been placed in a perfect well established position. My other hearing aid was removed so now there was no sound at all.

Firstly I was played simple pure tones just the same as an audiogram. I heard them, which was no surprise but I still hadn't cottoned on to what was happening. Next the sounds were repeated and I was asked to indicate on a chart whether the sound was soft, comfortable, loud or uncomfortable. These sounds were so familiar that they did not register a reaction in me. There was nothing aggressive or unsettling just 'normal'. Then there was a silent pause.

Out of the air a machine spoke to me, "Can you hear this?" it said. Clearly, precisely and so definitely there, coming from somewhere I could not identify precisely. A little left and forward of me with no other noise, interference or distraction. Perhaps I looked surprised? Because then the machine said "Are you hearing the words?" I am not sure what happened next, I could not see through the tears and there was an arm around my shoulders that was not my wife's!

A short interlude for composure!

It was explained to me (yes, to me! I was hearing the instructions loud and clear) that at this early stage all the electrodes were checked and functioning on the implant array. I was only connected to a select band of programming so as not to overwhelm my brain with information and the volume was set low to avoid to many background uncomfortable sounds. This would enable speech to come through better.

I was shown the function switches on the processor and remote control. Only two channels of which were operating, plus the T-loop function that would come on by its self automatically when the public hearing system was detected. Then there were the rechargeable batteries and their charger with the cell batteries for back-up like those for a normal hearing aid. These were all presented in a travel case and put into an enormous flight bag to hold all the bits.

Then it was time to go out and meet my new world for a few minutes before the next stage. A speech therapy session to understand the process of relearning what all these sounds were about.

 

TIME PASSES QUICKER WITH DISTRACTIONS

“To put an arrogant 'famous' singer in their place: pretend to be deaf.”

~  Mokokoma Mokhonoana  ~

I have been quiet these last few weeks because of an unfortunate illness not directly associated with my surgery. As I have been at home and lethargic most of the time, there has not been much to say. I did have some contrasting experiences though before the rot set in.

Visiting London for a formal post-operative checkup.

All is progressing as expected. There is still no pain, just a little local tenderness behind and below my ear (over the muscle attachment and behind the joint of my jaw). This is an area not covered by thick tissues and so does not leave much room for padding. The usual underlying softness is still hard and feels bruised. Stroking the skin or hair in this area behind my ear produces a prickly sore reaction on the surface, even though deeper it has no effect. This I believe to be the effect of tiny superficial skin nerves repairing themselves and fully expect this to gradually go away shortly. The operation wound is now completely healed, just a little lumpy and hard which can be softened up with moisturising cream. My glasses can now fit normally without irritation. The bad taste in my mouth changes weekly. At present it is a constant saltiness but the effect is decreasing in severity.

A more detailed description of the operation was given this time explaining the findings and solution to the difficulty approaching the cochlea. This is the part that is always individual and unknown until directly seen by the surgeon. A reason why things don't always go to plan and compromises may have to be made on the spot. As the patient one can only trust in the expertise and experience of the surgeon to get the job done as successfully as possible. In my case the otosclerosis was very wide spread and invasive bone was encroaching over the oval window and into the cochlea leaving very little mobile parts to function. He managed with some difficulty to find a way through for the electrode which was positioned perfectly in the end. In return for his skill in providing the best start, I must continue the good work and keep my part of the bargain and use it to the best of my ability. I consider all health-care to be a partnership that needs compliance from both sides to work towards the best result possible. A bad surgical procedure cannot be made better by a good patient, no matter how hard they try. A disrespectful patient will ruin the best of surgical techniques and produce poor results.

Now I await the switch on and tune in which comes tomorrow the 9th July. A celebration is planned and you will get to hear about that as well in due course. There are so many things happening for me this next month and all with have a new perception which I will catalogue as they happen. Be it good or bad this device is going to be tested well this next few weeks.

“Eyes are a deaf man’s ears. Ears are a blind man’s eyes.”
~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana ~

 The deaf commuter.

What is it about London (or perhaps any city) that makes walking the streets so difficult for deaf people? (as apposed to those with their ears plugged!) Yet again I was confronted by a cyclist. When I cross the road at a pedestrian crossing with lights I stand back a bit to watch for the green light to come on. I cannot hear the bleeping and if I just follow others it may mean they have gone early and the traffic-lights are still green. If I take my eyes off the light I may miss it by a few seconds and not have enough time to cross. In London it seems that green means go to traffic even if you are still on the road in front of them! I like the lights that display the countdown seconds to the change. I can run if necessary but prefer not to if I don't have to.

On this occasion the traffic had been stopped by another crossing light further up the road so there was nothing near except a cyclist who had managed to continue on his own and was still several yards away from my (now red to him) crossing light. I walked into the road with two other people and kept one eye on the green man to be sure I still had priority. This concentration on one task is my standard to keep distracting noises away from my hearing and enabling me to pay attention to what is needed. I knew the traffic light was red and the pedestrian light was green so felt perfectly safe and relaxed about it. It came as a big surprise, therefore, when the cyclist approached unheard and unseen at my right side. He swerved in front of me and carried on as if nothing had happened! Is there a law in London that says cyclists don't have to stop at red lights?

I pulled up very sharp and startled by the sudden quiet vision and while I collected my thoughts (not repeatable here) standing in the middle of the road the lights changed and the traffic moved on towards me. Fortunately my disability is in my head not my legs!

Faith restored.

Safe at home it was our 35th wedding anniversary and to celebrate I planned a posh afternoon tea. Normally my wife does all things with communication but this was my treat. I booked the table at a local place I had always wanted to visit but never seemed to find the excuse. The booking was on-line and at the end of the form it asked for any special requirements. Just a couple of weeks before we had lunch at a local restaurant and I had summoned the courage to ask them to turn the background music down to help me hear better in the hard surfaced, standard public restaurant. To my surprise and delight they turned it off! So, with this new confidence I asked if I could have a table in a quiet corner (if such a thing was possible) because I was profoundly deaf and could not hear well in public places. With fingers crossed we arrived at the venue on a lovely sunny day in the countryside.

We were shown into an ante-room beside the dining room to wait (as I thought, I didn't hear the conversation as we announced our arrival to the waiter) whereupon we were directed to a single table furnished with white tablecloth, flowers and cups and saucers. Yes, we did not have a quiet corner, we had a whole room to ourselves! We could see the people next door in the dining room but nothing could be heard of them. I cannot remember the last time I went out with my wife and had a normal comfortable conversation in a public place. All the seats were padded, the floor carpeted and cushions everywhere. The walls were wood panelling with a low plaster ceiling and heavy fabric curtains at the windows. There was no echo, no scraping of chair legs, no hum of conversation, no mood music and everywhere a peaceful silence that I did not have to compete with. Not the empty silence from switching off my hearing aid to get away from the noise as I usually do at times like this. The pen and writing pad brought for outings like this stayed firmly closed.

We had such a wonderful afternoon tea, so relaxed and comfortable, unhurried and with spontaneous conversation. To have that with someone outside of home is a special treat these days. This shows it can be done. It needs a bit of planning in advance, some explanation upfront and information to work on. I don't think the indifference towards deafness is all one sided. We must do our part to admit the problems and ask for help. We know what we want because we need it. 

Can we always expect others to know what we are thinking when we don't look deaf?

"Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see."

~  Mark Twain  ~