If thou art a master, be sometimes blind; if a
servant, sometimes deaf.
~ Thomas
Fuller ~
It’s only been a few
days but enormous changes are happening to me. I feel so much a part of what is
going on around me. Frequently, I get confused as my ability to hear changes
with the environment I am in. The difficulty is that I cannot, as yet, sense
those changes, only feel the end result. Multiple voices blend into one
unintelligible tangle but as people leave the tangles unravel until, when only
one or two remain, the voice rings out. I just don’t always see or hear the
people leaving when I am trying to concentrate so hard. It seems as if it just
clarifies on its own.
I have no concept of
variable volume, just good and bad perception. I continue with the lack of dynamics in my
hearing that give me depth, subtle variations of distance, direction,
individuality and therefore precision. Sounds I hear in buckets full, but what
I am hearing still needs extra help. Visual and memory support makes some sense
of the disembodied individual words. I won’t get run over now when crossing the
road in front of me but I don’t know what it is that will be aiming at me from
around the corner when I am looking the other way.
Tweak one
I have just had my
first tweak and increase in sound variety, blend and volume. This is the trial
and error path to finding my individual hearing map. This is something personal
and would not suit someone else. There is no ‘one size fits all’ with this
device. I will continue these weekly adjustments for a month as we explore the
gains and disadvantages towards the best solution possible, not normality.
My word recognition
test was definitely more difficult this time. The multiple syllables in the
words ran into each other and some vowels dragged. The sharper sounds echoed.
This took away the precision of some individual words, making them more easily
confused with background distractions such as tinnitus which they sometimes
copied. My hearing was not worse, it was just my brain trying to assimilate
more elements from difficult combinations that were previously unknown and
dismissed as unintelligible. The choice of test words is not random, this is deliberate.
Homeward
On leaving the
hospital I noticed subtle differences in those ever present footsteps on the
hard floors (and the doors creaked!) Outside the most obvious difference was in
the variety and perception of the traffic noises. That was less welcome.
At the railway
station I could almost understand the tannoy. I knew it was there but its lack
of personality gave me nothing to get hold of, nor visual clues to read. That
is going to be the hard part. The difference is that now I did not dismiss it
out of hand. I try to understand what is said whether it is important or not. It
is all part of the learning process. What I am pleased with is that I have been
encouraged to actively use the visual signs and signals I have learnt over the
years to help support me, such as lip reading. It helps the weird disjointed
voices in my head attach themselves to the people I am speaking to. This
separates them from each other and the crowd of automatons everywhere around
me. It can be like a attending a happy Darlek Convention in the countryside! My
time away from home is turning out to be opportune with so much talk and very
little traffic. When I do return home I will have to replace this with extra
visits to the theatre and public gatherings rather than stay in with my
computer which seems to make as much noise as it can to distract me. I am beginning to think I must be annoying other people by making so much noise.
Back on site
I have a new bright
yellow hat to signify I am switched off and resting my brain for a while when I wear it. As it
can be seen from far away it saves the problem of causing offence by ignoring
people unintentionally when they approach me. They can either avoid me or know
they have to be more determined.
I cannot recognise the
sound of my own name, Oi comes across much clearer. Perhaps I should get a new
one?
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